After a recent breakup that left my heart with a hole the size of Texas, I realized it was time to get back in the saddle. A very wise girlfriend of mine reminded me of the saying that sometimes the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. Don’t worry, I would never do that, not on the first date anyway. Dad, I’m kidding.
After the official, official, finally official end (we had a hard time pulling the plug) it was back to the swiping board AKA dating applications. Lonely week nights that used to be filled with homemade dinners and Dateline, were spent swiping literally hundreds of faces of strangers, exploring conversations with five percent of said strangers, sending clever GIFS, and once even a full blown argument before we somehow still decided to meet for a drink and let me tell you, it was a doozy of a date.
For those of you who have never dated by way of cell phone, it’s bizarre. It’s human shopping, literally window shopping for a boyfriend, but if you’re like me and you work remotely all day and find it depressing to be at bars after dark, then you better put your shopping pants on…actually you don’t need pants, or a shirt for that matter, for this kind of dating, but the perks of dating from bed end right there.
You guys, dating by way of mobile applications is simply exhausting, let me tell you why:
Human Shopping
Swiping is similar to a running a marathon; you start slow and steady, carefully considering each and every profile, looking at pictures, making mental notes, reading each profile, maybe even going to their Instagram account to try to get a peek into their life and gauging whether or not you’d see yourself camping in Montana with he and his college friends or brunching with his visiting sister and her husband. After a while, you start getting tired, you lose steam and enthusiasm, and instead of slowing down, you speed up, and suddenly every face starts looking the same and you are completely overwhelmed, and you are swiping left as fast as you can without even glancing at who you are rejecting. You no longer care about a single person out there. Left to each and every one of you l.o.s.e.r.s. —> INSTAGRAM. FACEBOOK. OLD PHOTOS WITH EX. BACK TO BUMBLE WITH NEW HOPE AND FRESH DESIRE. This pattern typically happens two or three times per night.
It’s a Match!
Matching with people should be really exciting, it means you swiped right for him and he swiped right for you, but the truth is, instead of feeling excited, I often find that I match with someone and then look at their profile again, wonder why I even swiped right in the first place, and then I un-match. It’s okay, people do it to me too. It’s like when you’re at HomeGoods and you see something and you aren’t sure if you really even want it, but it might disappear, so you grab it before anyone else takes it and then you get home and you realize it doesn’t even match the credenza and so you quickly add it to the return pile in the office. Sigh.
Clever Conversation
If you think chemistry can be most easily detected when making out, you’re totally wrong, it’s texting. Online messaging is the ABSOLUTE fire extinguisher of any and all things chemistry and romance, which is great, because it would be a huge waste of time and makeup to meet up with a guy who lacks a fun personality. Boring people cannot, I repeat, cannot avoid detection online. If you have ever found yourself on a date with someone who lacks personality, it’s your own fault. Don’t go out with people who aren’t lighthearted, easy to talk to, and have an ability to display a personality online, chemistry now starts with a click. As I write this, I wonder if it’s possible that I’ve passed on some great guys simply because they aren’t good at expressing themselves via text. Damn it.
Hot (and obvious to every single person in the establishment) Date
It’s rare for me to ever get to this stage, partially because I can be lazy about getting ready for a stranger and partially because I feel I have an acute sense of chemistry and match potential, even online. You arrive at the restaurant and, luckily, you know exactly who it is because you’ve looked at multiple photos on the app as well as cyber-stalked their Instagram, FB, Linked in, and Black Tie Event photos, but there is absolutely no escaping the awkward in-person introduction, especially when the rest of the bar knows exactly what is going on, especially the bartenders. I typically speak a little too loudly, as though I am greeting an old best guy-friend, and then talk too much because apparently I’d rather ramble about nothing in particular than allow a single moment of silence. This is me: “Hiiiiiiiiiii, howwww areeeeee yewwwwwwww?! Oh my goshhhh, parking was a NIGHTMARE. UGH! Wow, this place is suuuuuper cute, the bar is always packkkkked. Did you hear about that restaurant around the corner going in? Oh my gosh, it’s supposed to be insane. SO! How are you?!”. Ugh.
Bumble Boyfriend
If it’s rare to go on an actual date, Bumble to boyfriend is like finding a Balenciaga clutch on the street and has only happened to me once (the beau, not the bag). TBH, I have only met up with six guys total, including my ex but not including the guy I met up with after I placed an add on Craigslist (platonic section, you judgers!) while spending seven lonely weeks working in London seven years ago, but I do know, based on feedback from friends that while you might get a couple of dates and makeouts in, not many lead to full blown, monogamous relationship status situations, more time killers until the real deal comes along.
Husband/Baby Daddy
TBD, but this did happen to the owner of my Bar Method studio and she and her man are tucking for life.
Bottom line, dating apps are strange, but they’re here and they introduce you to a whole new world of guys from the comfort of your cozy bed. If you approach the process casually, as though you’re seeking a friendship and not a fiancé, it’s a lot more fun and it eliminates the pressure of finding your soulmate. And who doesn’t love shopping from bed?
Yours in Guys and GIFS,
Brittany
Vodka and Birthday Cake 