Summertime Survival

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I don’t like summer. There, I said it. I know all you pastel wearing, patio drinking, pool lounging, sun worshipers think I’m the worst, but I just have to get that off my chest. So why is summer my least favorite season, you ask? Because I don’t like to be hot. In fact, I HATE to be hot and I am working on totally cutting that word from my vocabulary but while it’s still there, I hate the heat, I just hate it.

I just spent that last two weeks in Rome. Have you ever been to Rome in July? It’s hot. Not only is it hot, it’s very crowded and for some reason being surrounded by buildings and streets dating back 2,000 years and thousands of people, mentally, it feels even hotter than it really is…which is really hot.

Coming back to Denver, I thought there’d be total relief from the heat, but it can be hot here in the summertime and this summer, it’s extra toasty.

So what’s a girl to do when it’s miserably hot outside? I’m here to share with you a few tips to staying cool in the dead of summer:

Face Fan: Only appropriate when in foreign destinations and you cant escape being a tourist…like Rome, not okay in Paris. Also, not appropriate if you think you’ll run into anyone…anyone. Just use your best judgment. Can be found here.

Ice Cold Rose: The nearly freezing temperature will cool your body and the alcohol will help you forget you’re hot.

Workout in the Mall: I don’t know about your gym, but mine is pretty hot in the summer and I don’t workout in the heat. Instead, I workout in the mall. Malls are always cool and there’s nothing better than skimpy summertime dresses to motivate me to do another lap. Above a little aerobics in the mall? Fine, get fat.

Appointments: I only go to the doctor in the summer. Why? Have you ever been to a hot doctor’s office? Exactly. Same goes for the dentist, esthetician, and the hospital…because sometimes a fractured wrist can wait.

Freezers: I sprint through each aisle of the grocery store, grabbing everything I think I might need, and then look through my cart to see what I truly need, while standing in the open doorway of a freezer. I also work on my daily to-do list there and sometimes take work calls. They literally can’t force you to close the door, trust me.

Facial Mist: Combine boiled water with fresh mint and rose petals and allow to sit for thirty minutes, add to a small bottle (think more patio happy hour and less Six Flags) and refrigerate for the ultimate outdoor body refresh. If you’re smart, you’ll hand these out as gifts to your friends because they’ll think you’re super nice and never suspect your true intent, which is so they don’t ask for a spritz of yours.

Go to the Pool: Must be non-heated, in the mountains, and in the middle of the night, otherwise it’ll be too hot.

 Are you feeling more positive about your chances in Battle of the Heat? Okay I have one last tip and it’s the ultimate for staying cool. If all else fails, and you just can’t dig yourself out of the heat hole, there is an new app that my girlfriend told me about last night, over sweaty patio margaritas, and this new app allows you to search for random help…with anything. There are people everywhere looking to make money by helping with random odd jobs such as painting, handy work, lawn care, and therefore, I am certain there is a man out there who can be paid to be my fanner. Yes, my personal fanner. Fan me while I shower. Fan me while I eat. Fan me while I work. Fan me while I sleep. Fan man.

Looking forward to seeing you in the fall, it’s almost here…

Stay cool, hotties.

-Ice Queen

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