The Cleanse: Part 2

I’m not sure how most deal, but when I gain weight, I’m talking it’s time to head to the mall and purchase your entire wardrobe in the next size up weight gain, that’s when I usually say buh bye to life as I enjoyed it (thoroughly enjoyed it) and step back to reality. After my spring/summer rendezvous plumped me up, I knew it was time to slim back down.

Most people like to shed the winter pounds for bikini season, but being the beach babe that I am not, my annual motivation kicks in when the sunshine and warm weather move out and the cool, gray days slip in…fall. There is nothing cuter than a girl in leggings, leather boots, a cropped jacket, paired with an oversized, infinity scarf, sipping a pumpkin ale,while watching a football game on a Sunday afternoon. And so with fall quickly (yes, quickly) approaching, it was time for me to kick it into high gear. OPERATION CUTE GIRL ON A CHILLY AND GRAY SUNDAY AFTERNOON WITH A PUMPKIN ALE WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME.

And so off I went…off everything. Seriously everything, like I can barely eat anything. Barely. Anything.

My mom has been doing this cleanse called the Standard Process purification program about twice a year for the past three years. I always wonder why she does it because she can never partake in any of the fun eating and drinking we enjoy so much at our family gatherings and she is always, always, always preparing shakes, and vegetables, and…well that’s it…shakes and vegetables. Either way, nope, no thanks, not for this girl…I’d rather lose my weight by on/off fasting and drinking vodka for two months (SOCIALLY. Socially drinking vodka for two months).

And then I went to Aspen one recent weekend and it hit me…my fall is going to start earlier than Saint Louis’  fall. Okay a. not really because fall is a day on a calendar and not how the weather feels b.WHO CARES?! Fall to me does not mean Sunday, September 22, 2013 (should be a holiday), it’s when I can comfortably and appropriately (who am I kidding, I’ve been known to wear fall attire in late August) wear my uniform of leggings, boots, and scarves!!! c. best realization ever (might not be true)

And while the realization that fall would be coming sooner than expected was the best ever, the worst was when I realized fall would be coming sooner than expected…and I was not, I repeat, NOT in cute girl on a chilly and gray sunday afternoon with a pumpkin ale watching the football game ready. FML.

And so I turned to my mother who swears by this horrendous, boring, terrible, no good, very bad cleanse and I said, “Mother, I’m ready”. She put me in touch with the chiropractor who she orders the supplements through and we had a little over the phone consultation, to make sure I’m not anorexic (I wish) and trying to be a crazy girl about this weight loss thing (couuuuuld beeeee) and then she told me the rules (ew, you won’t even believe) and I gave her my credit card information and asked, “Can it be here in the morning?”.


The Good: 
Detox of the liver, kidneys, and intestines
General Healthiness, blah blah blah-I just want to be skinny

The Bad: 
No meat
No dairy
No sugar
No carbs
No processed food
No nuts
No beans aka no hummus (so lame)
No soda
No caffeine
No Alcohol (What exaaaactly does that specifically mean?)

The Ugly:
Make (so annoying) and consume two smoothie/shakes a day which include two powder supplements
Days 1-7: Take TWENTY ONE pills per day (big, stinky ones)
Days 8-21: Take ten pills per day (still big, still stinky)
No Alcohol (but wine is okay, because of the heart, right? NO)

In a Nutshell (can’t have those either)
I can consume vegetables, fruit, water, and unsweetened green tea. Oh and a half a cup of lentils or brown rice up to twice a day. On day 11, if I choose, I can incorporate deep-sea fish and organic/free range chicken. I can only prepare my food with a small amount of oil and it’s encouraged that a large amount of the vegetables you eat are raw (just keeps getting better). ALL of this for twenty one days.

And that is what they tell you, but what exactly do they not tell?

The Cleanse: Part Three coming soon…

The Cleanse: Part 1

Have you ever been on a cleanse? Pause-A lot of really major things have taken place in my life and this, being the most recent, probably shouldn’t be the first thing I share, but if you’ve never cleansed then you just won’t understand. I truly feel that it’s my responsibility to share with you, everything that they don’t tell you about cleansing, in case someone out there is on the verge of taking the plunge…from the diving board…of the high dive…into the empty pool….like that drug commercial from the 80’s. Don’t do it.

Why did I choose to cleanse?

Jamaica-I spent 8 days with three girlfriends on a work trip that happened to include next to no work and instead, day after day at the pool sipping frozen beverages, enjoying afternoon soft serve ice cream, and spending evenings dining in Italy! Japan! Mexico! America!. Am I the only one who, when the food is free, feels the need to order a soup, salad, appetizer, entree, dessert, espresso, and Limoncello at each meal? Who am I kidding, in real life I might split an appetizer with someone and dessert never gets ordered, let alone an after dinner drink or better yet a post after dinner drink. Sick.

Sonoma-The calories are always worth it in wine country and I’d do it again tomorrow (If I weren’t cleansing, of course). I spent 8 glorious days at my favorite hotel in the world, yes the world, and it was heaven. Each morning was savored with a cup of steaming coffee and some of that cool northern Californian air breezing through the windows of my cottage style suite, some afternoons were spent working and some spent touring wineries, but each and every evening was spent indulging glass after glass after glass after glass after glass of our nation’s best wine and paired with that wine, on most evenings, was an incredible meal at a few of my favorite Sonoma restaurants such as El Dorado KitchenThe Girl and the Fig, and Glen Ellen Inn. Sonoma blog to come with more suggestions…

Munich-And then I went to Germany for 12 days. In Germany they have three food groups and they are pretzels, wieners, and beer and each apply to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Enough said.

And so that brought me home and eventually asking myself, “Um, whyyyyy did the zipper on my jeans break?”, “Ew why are the arms of my Zara blazer suffocating me??”, “WHY is there an imprint on my stomach when I take off my cropped J. Crew pants?!”, “What is going on?!!”. Well..Jamaica, Sonoma, and Munich went on. And they went on… and on… and on… and on and so I went off.

The Cleanse: Part 2 coming soon…

I’m Sorry

Hi…how have you been? I hope you didn’t forget about me, I didn’t you….

I know we haven’t talked in a while but it’s just that…sometimes I get so busy and then time goes by and I push you out of my head and try to forget about all the time that has passed and and before I know it, it’s been so long that it feels awkward and I don’t want to look at you because it only reminds me of all the time that has passed and then I start thinking about you again and it becomes so frequent because I know I need to reach out and finally a day comes where I have nothing to do but sit in my bed alone after work because I’ve chosen to do this stupid twenty one day cleanse (it’s so horrible, I have to tell you about it) and it’s made me so crazy that my boyfriend has ditched me for Napa (can you believe??) and I got a new job (ohmygosh I’m just so overwhelmed), and I live in this new town (Denver, remember?) where I have exactly one friend (she’s so fun-you’ll love her) and she is at the circus with her boyfriend and so I get in my bed at 5:00pm, and open my computer, and I check my email, and Facebook, and Houzz, and the Nordstrom Anniversary sale (don’t ask, it was bad) and Instagram, and Twitter, and West Elm, and finally….you. After five long months…I check you. And then I come to my senses and realize I really do miss you and it’s been far too long. And I decide that I need to pay attention to you. Again.

 I promise I’ll be better this time, Vodka and Birthday Cake.


Brittany xo