I’m not sure how most deal, but when I gain weight, I’m talking it’s time to head to the mall and purchase your entire wardrobe in the next size up weight gain, that’s when I usually say buh bye to life as I enjoyed it (thoroughly enjoyed it) and step back to reality. After my spring/summer rendezvous plumped me up, I knew it was time to slim back down.
Most people like to shed the winter pounds for bikini season, but being the beach babe that I am not, my annual motivation kicks in when the sunshine and warm weather move out and the cool, gray days slip in…fall. There is nothing cuter than a girl in leggings, leather boots, a cropped jacket, paired with an oversized, infinity scarf, sipping a pumpkin ale,while watching a football game on a Sunday afternoon. And so with fall quickly (yes, quickly) approaching, it was time for me to kick it into high gear. OPERATION CUTE GIRL ON A CHILLY AND GRAY SUNDAY AFTERNOON WITH A PUMPKIN ALE WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME.
And so off I went…off everything. Seriously everything, like I can barely eat anything. Barely. Anything.
My mom has been doing this cleanse called the Standard Process purification program about twice a year for the past three years. I always wonder why she does it because she can never partake in any of the fun eating and drinking we enjoy so much at our family gatherings and she is always, always, always preparing shakes, and vegetables, and…well that’s it…shakes and vegetables. Either way, nope, no thanks, not for this girl…I’d rather lose my weight by on/off fasting and drinking vodka for two months (SOCIALLY. Socially drinking vodka for two months).
And then I went to Aspen one recent weekend and it hit me…my fall is going to start earlier than Saint Louis’ fall. Okay a. not really because fall is a day on a calendar and not how the weather feels b.WHO CARES?! Fall to me does not mean Sunday, September 22, 2013 (should be a holiday), it’s when I can comfortably and appropriately (who am I kidding, I’ve been known to wear fall attire in late August) wear my uniform of leggings, boots, and scarves!!! c. best realization ever (might not be true)
And while the realization that fall would be coming sooner than expected was the best ever, the worst was when I realized fall would be coming sooner than expected…and I was not, I repeat, NOT in cute girl on a chilly and gray sunday afternoon with a pumpkin ale watching the football game ready. FML.
And so I turned to my mother who swears by this horrendous, boring, terrible, no good, very bad cleanse and I said, “Mother, I’m ready”. She put me in touch with the chiropractor who she orders the supplements through and we had a little over the phone consultation, to make sure I’m not anorexic (I wish) and trying to be a crazy girl about this weight loss thing (couuuuuld beeeee) and then she told me the rules (ew, you won’t even believe) and I gave her my credit card information and asked, “Can it be here in the morning?”.
Detox of the liver, kidneys, and intestines
General Healthiness, blah blah blah-I just want to be skinny
No processed food
No beans aka no hummus (so lame)
No Alcohol (What exaaaactly does that specifically mean?)
Make (so annoying) and consume two smoothie/shakes a day which include two powder supplements
Days 1-7: Take TWENTY ONE pills per day (big, stinky ones)
Days 8-21: Take ten pills per day (still big, still stinky)
No Alcohol (but wine is okay, because of the heart, right? NO)
In a Nutshell (can’t have those either)
I can consume vegetables, fruit, water, and unsweetened green tea. Oh and a half a cup of lentils or brown rice up to twice a day. On day 11, if I choose, I can incorporate deep-sea fish and organic/free range chicken. I can only prepare my food with a small amount of oil and it’s encouraged that a large amount of the vegetables you eat are raw (just keeps getting better). ALL of this for twenty one days.
And that is what they tell you, but what exactly do they not tell?
The Cleanse: Part Three coming soon…